The Lucky Ones

We visited the hospital yesterday and confirmed what we already knew: we have a baby with no beating heart. Even as we sat and watched the ultrasound and saw our little one, I closed my eyes and prayed prayed prayed prayed prayed that God would cause that little red heat sensor we strained to see on the screen spark over their heart. It really didn't make much sense to do anything else. He started his/her heart the first time, why why why would Daddy not ask God for it again?

When K was born there was this wave of emotion at everything becoming a father (in the practical sense) meant, but comparably a tsunami of emotion as I watched my wife's sacrifice to become a mother. I couldn't even think about it for the first month afterward without crying. Yesterday that came full-circle again. As his/her Daddy I mourn the loss of our little Siu Bunbun, created fully completely in the image of God, and we honour and love him/her with and through our grief. As her Husband I'm humbled and moved by what my wife will unflinchingly put her self under for the sake of our little family. Watching it is very hard. She is so incredibly brave.

I listened a couple of weeks ago for the first time to a song by Lecrae called "Lucky Ones." It gripped me as I washed the car and listened to it in my headphones, and underneath the shades there were tears. The message moved me, and I was being prepared to embrace in a difficult moment the reality that we were ruined but God in His grace has made us new. Our lives individually and our life together are the work and result of His Presence. Circumstance doesn't change that. "If I died, there would be a lot of people at my funeral who may not get that," I thought to myself. "They should probably play this song at the end..." Or, I thought, the message of this song is what I would want to stand on if something happened in our little family...

An unexpected week or so later and here we are.

We've been assured numerous times over the past week that this is not our fault, it's nothing we did. And that's okay, we don't question that. The nurse tells us yesterday - and not for the first time: it's not your fault, you were just... unlucky.

But God stands us somewhere different.

The song is here:

The lyrics are here:

--HOOK--

When it’s all said and done
You and I are the lucky ones
We fought many
And we’ll fight the night until we see the sun
We are the lucky ones
We are the lucky ones
We are here

--1--

Under the sun, I found we were left to drown
Evil abounds, weight is pullin’ us down
No sight or sound, impaired to His care
Chasing after the wind, running after the air
Deserving of desertion, servants of destruction
And everyday we taste of a grace that we’re unconcerned with
My sin I should be burned with, I'm guilty, filthy, and stained
But He became a curse, drank my cup and took my pain
And for that he reigns, through faith I'm changed
And I don't have a reason why he loosened up my chains

I don't believe in luck; I believe in Grace
But they say we’re lucky cause we seen His face
And we heard Him call us, and He heard our answer
And He gives us second chances when we throw our hands up
So weary and broken, hopin’ His arms will be open
Unconditional love has got us locked into His focus
(I guess we the lucky ones, huh?)

--HOOK--

When it’s all said and done
You and I are the lucky ones
We fought many
And we’ll fight the night until we see the sun
We are the lucky ones
We are the lucky ones
We are here

--2--

You’re greater than my shame, guilt, my doubt, and my past
Fortunate to trust in you cause I've doubted your plans
I’ve questioned your ways, every question I raised
Is foolishness compared to mountains, the wind, and the waves
You’re so mindful of us, we rise from the dust
You love these cheating, beating hearts and these eyes full of lust
Gave us power to fight it, though we cower in quiet
We have the faith to start a riot; how can we deny it?
Fire inside us that you kindle when it starts to dwindle
And simply put I’m sinful so your love is essential

I don't believe in luck, no, I believe in Grace
But they say we lucky cause we seen your face
Lord, we heard you call us, You heard our answer
And you give us second chances when we throw our hands up
I’m weary and broken, but your arms will be open
Unconditional love has got us locked into your focus

--BRIDGE--

See, I’m not sayin’ I’m always right
And I ain’t sayin’ that I’m perfect
And I know I don’t deserve it
But I’m glad I got this life
I’m glad that I got it
And it makes me a lucky one

--HOOK--

When it’s all said and done
You and I are the lucky ones
We fought many
And we’ll fight the night until we see the sun
We are the lucky ones
We are the lucky ones
We are here

We walk with God, we walk His path with Him in front, alongside, behind, above, underneath. Sharon has talked about this. I say: I don't believe in luck, I believe in grace. Here, now, in this moment. We are not the (un)lucky ones.

Siu Bunbun, our little January baby, we love you and we miss you, and because of the sum total of what Daddy just said, we will see you again. You are with Jesus, exactly where we were already praying for you to end up anyways, and we have rest there. We know you do too - it's what you were made for. It's hard not to be satisfied with that.

Jesus, our dear Friend and our Lord, with a smile from a heart full of your love I say enjoy our little one. You get to be their Daddy. With a smirk befitting our family I say this was quite selfish of you to keep them all to yourself. Way to go. I've never felt a need to go to heaven itself, I've been quite satisfied with you here. But that's different now. In due time I'm coming, and we'll see you both there. We love you two. Very very very much.

~Brad.