Yet another post about driving

I don't mind driving. When I have to drive, I'm quite content. When I don't have to drive, I'm also content. I don't need to drive to appease my sense of control. I boss 5 year olds around when I feel like I need to have a sense of control. O.k... that doesn't always work because being controlling doesn't make the children love me. So I make it seem like I'm not bossing them around, but really that's what I'm doing. Shhhhh... don't tell the children.

Anyway, back to driving. While I don't mind driving and actually enjoy it on occasion, I don't enjoy driving at night time. I find that I have difficulty seeing comfortably. When the streets are well lit, then it's not bad as I can see the sides of the road easily. But when there's oncoming traffic, especially those with stupid bright white lights, then my heart pitter-patters a tempo faster. I hate when I can't see properly ahead and on the opposite side of the roadside. It drives me nuts. I'm thinking of the poor racoons and skunks that might be lurking, ready to take their family across. Or worse, a coyote (I nearly hit one once... but that's for another driving story post...) Or God forbid, a human...... let's not think such thoughts.

I especially hate driving at night when it's raining. And living in the metro vancouver area, it's difficult to avoid that. I CAN'T SEE because of the bright lights and the glare. Ugh... it drives me absolutely bonkers and I pray each evening I have to drive that God will hold the rain, just for a little bit so that I won't hurt anyone. A couple of weeks ago, because of oncoming traffic and slick road glare, I didn't see the pedestrian crossing on the cross walk. I slammed on my brakes and he had even stopped to make sure I didn't skid over his body. Terrible. God has been gracious.

As I was thinking about this while driving home tonight in the dark in slightly damp roads (Praise God) and an occasional mist (Thank Him), I thought about how much I've changed over the past five or six years.

I looked at the clock while I drove. It was 9:32 pm. That used to be quite a young time and I'd revel in going out at that hour, especially after I learned to drive and my parents (mistakenly) trusted me with a vehicle and (supposed) freedom. I even enjoyed driving at night.

It was driving at night that I could be alone. To be (so I thought) me, to think I could be by myself, to nurse my wounds, and let my independence fester. In the dark, I felt comfortable. I always knew and understand that I was not alone, that God was there too. But somehow, the darkness made me feel comfortable with myself, to not want to change.

It's a good thing that God always wants us to change. And thank Him that he doesn't leave it up to us.

Because of the change He's wrought, I'm blessed with far greater than I could've ever imagined. It's especially potent when I know He's used me. Sometimes it's not easy being a vessel.

God, being out here isn't very comfortable. It's making me tired. It makes me anxious. But I care for these people. I don't know why. It doesn't make sense to me. But I care for these people. So please just do it all. I'm here. I've showed up. But you have to do the rest.

And after this happens, I feel energized. I feel revitilized. I feel like I can blog about it upon pondering these thoughts on the drive home.

This stuff just does. not. occur. in a regular, unchanging life.

Our journey towards Jesus is marked by change. If I don't see change, I'm probably too comfortable in the dark. And while it may feel comfortable, it is a lie because God will be there too, with me, pursuing me, changing me.

Hmm... not really about driving after all. I didn't expect these thoughts....